My Faith – His Story

Shortly after my birth, my parents became Christians. As I’ve written here before, my mom played a pivotal role in shaping my faith. She taught me about God, Jesus, sin, redemption, and love. Though we weren’t regular church attenders as I grew up, there was still a focus on God that centered on following Him and His ways.

At some point, though, my parents’ faith had to become mine. I had to “work out my salvation” and make the choice myself to either follow Him or disregard everything I was taught and follow the ways of this world.

I reached this crossroad when I was 19. I had just completed my first year of college and was preparing to start my summer classes. I was still living at home. Little did I know my world was about to turn upside down.

I came home one day and had a message from one of my closest friends. My mom relayed her message to me: she was wondering if I had heard about Amy. Amy was another close friend. We met in junior high school and had been close ever since, even after my family and I moved to another state. I saw her a couple of weeks prior to my friend’s call and she had just become engaged. My first thought, when I heard my friend’s message, was that she had eloped.

When I called her back, our conversation seemed oddly tense. I asked if Amy had eloped. She informed me that Amy had been in a car accident. “Is she okay?” I asked.

There was a pause. She replied in between sniffles. “No, she died. Her funeral was this afternoon.” Shocked and in disbelief, I found myself repeating the same thing: “What?! No! It’s not true!”

Amy’s death shocked me to the very center of my being. Its aftershock reverberated throughout my mind, soul, and body. Up to this point I had only known a few people who had died – a couple of them were older, while the others had passed from disease. Amy was only 19 years old and starting her own life. She was in college and engaged.

Death has a sobering way of making those of us left behind re-adjust our focus and remind us what’s important. I took comfort in my best friend, Sarah, who had been acquainted with Amy as well. She called me to check on me and sent me letters and cards to cheer me up. She listened to my grief and offered words of hope and encouragement. She truly was like a sister to me and I cherished our friendship.

Amy’s death also made me face my own mortality and faith, or rather lack of faith. During the past two years, I had drifted away from the LORD and started following the ways of the world. Amy’s death forced me to choose my path: the LORD or the world. I chose the LORD. I went to church five days a week for various studies, services, and activities. Though I still grieved over Amy, there was a quiet peace that surpassed all of my understanding.

Three months had passed since Amy’s death. The fall semester of my sophomore year had just started. I came home one afternoon and I had a message from a friend who had never called me before. I thought it was odd for her to call me, but I thought she wanted to catch up and talk. I returned her call. “Have you heard about Sarah?” she asked, almost immediately.

Hesitantly, I said “no.” A knot formed in my stomach. This conversation already sounded eerily like the one I had three months ago.

My friend continued. “She was in a car accident…she died.” My best friend, my “sister” was gone.

Again, like Amy’s death, Sarah’s shocked me to my very center, but something different happened. As the shock wore off, anger filled the cracks in my heart. I yelled at God. I didn’t understand why they had to die. What was the purpose? Why was God allowing me to face so much pain in such a short amount of time? At one point, while driving, I yelled at Him, “Why don’t you kill me now – like you did to Amy and Sarah?” (I cringe now as I type these words and once again realize the tremendous grace He showed me during this time).

I tried to push my friends away during this time. I didn’t want to burden them with my grief. I also wanted to protect myself from being hurt again. Thankfully, my friends from church pushed back. They would show up at my door, ready to take me to church or Bible Study. They called me and checked in on me. They listened to me.

Even with their friendship, though, I still felt lonely. As much as they tried to understand what I was going through, they couldn’t. I barely understood what I was going through. All I knew was I missed my friends and their loss caused a grief deep in my soul.

A few months later, as I spoke to a friend on the phone, I broke. I told her what I was going through and how the anger, hurt, and loneliness overwhelmed me. I explained how angry I was at God for everything. She knew what I was going through as she experienced the same thing after Amy’s death. She offered me words of wisdom and explained that God was right there with me. That night, I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness, for restoration, and for peace. I desired to truly walk the LORD’s path because the world’s path led to bitterness, anger, and loneliness.

Again, a peace that surpassed all of my understanding filled my soul. I experienced joy as well, which had been missing for several months.

Christmas and New Year’s passed. I looked forward to saying “So long!” to the previous year, especially the last seven months, and starting anew. What I quickly learned was tragedy does not pay attention to calendars. Within three weeks, my brother was hit by a car and had to have surgery to repair his broken arm. At the same time, my grandma was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. She was then diagnosed with lung cancer. After an unsuccessful surgery, she passed away. Though I had a bit of time to prepare myself for the inevitable, her death still shocked me. This time though, I sought after the LORD and He carried me through my grief.

Within eight months, I lost three loved ones who were close to me. I reacted differently to each death, as they deeply affected me and forcefully shaped me. My family’s faith became my faith – no longer shallow, I was now firmly rooted in His love, grace, and redemption.

Looking back, I see so many lessons learned. For instance, I believe one reason for my anger centered around my immature faith and lack of Biblical knowledge. I believed, at the time, that if I did everything a good, little Christian was supposed to do, then life would be perfect. When that myth shattered, I raged against God. The truth is life is not perfect, even if we are perfect in our faith (which we can’t be since we are imperfect beings). God doesn’t promise us an easy life. In fact, He even tells us we will face challenges in our lives (see John 16:33).

Another lesson I learned was that though things like attending church and group Bible studies are helpful in my walk, they do not replace my personal study of God’s Word and prayer. These are critical to the journey of faith. These grow our faith and keep us on the path He has set before us. God’s Word and prayer are the ways He communicates with us and how we communicate with Him. A relationship cannot happen without communication.

I hope my story of faith brings comfort and encouragement to those who are experiencing grief or loneliness. Turn to the LORD. He will take what was meant to destroy and turn it for good – His good and our good. He will mend the brokenhearted and restore joy. Our story and our faith are part of the greater story He is weaving together through His love.